Patrick came over yesterday to tell me that he met a woman named Whitney over the weekend. Things went well, she’s a lovely girl, and apparently she’s a special Ed teacher and has her master’s degree, but that I am the only one that he wants. And he was supposed to go on a date with her yesterday and instead he came over to tell me that I’m the only one he wants. In turn, I told him that Kevin came over Friday night. I don’t know why I felt like I needed to do that, he was being open so I felt like I needed to be open. He has asked me about a million questions about it since I told him and that’s the part I hate the most. He says he’s not trying to be manipulative, but it kind of feels like he’s trying to get some feeling out of me. He started crying saying that he hates the other house, he never gets any sleep, he misses us and our life. That he felt bad for kissing her, that “she wanted to fuck so bad” and he said no. He’s hurt that I slept with Kevin, which seems odd. I don’t know why he’d be hurt. Kevin hurt me a little bit. Not really, I’m just jealous. I texted him after not speaking for a few weeks, I figured he was ghosting and I would text him a random “hello” and if he didn’t reply that it would confirm the ghost and I could move on. Well he did answer back, immediately. Said he was just at home hanging out and that he’d be up for hanging out with me if I was up for it. I hesitated because Madelyn was home and I knew it’d be weird for her, but fuck it yeah, I invited him over. So…it was weird because he’s the one that mentioned coming over first, like 3 times that he wanted to come see me. I invite him over finally and THEN there’s this internal struggle he’s having because he met someone great 3 weeks ago (when I was ghosted) and they have talked about being exclusive. Wellllllllllll fuck, Kevin. I fucking liked you a lot. He goes back and forth with feelings of guilt, I ultimately talk him into coming over, not that it took a lot of effort. It was great, it went on for hours. He got to my house around 9:30pm and I kicked him out around 12:30am, almost that whole time was fucking. We chatted a little bit, there was some back rubs, and he told me the bare minimum about Mary. She also sounds lovely. Single lady, never married, no kids, counselor for teenage girls. I got jealous. As much as I coached myself before he got there to NOT say I was jealous…I fucking said it. He asked why and I said I didn’t really know, that I sometimes like to pretend that I’m single to which he kind of chuckled. He said something else about me getting ready to go through a divorce, I said most likely. He said he’s been through it and then asked me if I love myself? I said, yeah of course, I’m fucking terrific why wouldn’t I love myself? He looked at me so seriously and said, “Do you?” And I glazed over it with the over enthusiasm I have for myself around others one more time, no really, I’m really great, I have no problem loving myself. Yeah, you do seem pretty great he says. And then I guess the topic just ended or we started making out, I’m not sure. But now I keep thinking about it. That look on his face, that question. And no, I guess I don’t love myself, Kevin. And then Patrick comes over and tells me about Whitney and yeah I did feel a twinge of jealousy, but nothing like before. When he told me that they kissed, that they almost fucked, that they planned a date…nothing he said that made me want to say no no no just kidding, please come back to me. Which is exactly what I would have done almost every single other year before now. I told him I felt blank. That if I wasn’t chasing after him then who was I? I told him I needed more time. He doesn’t sound like he’s into giving me very much of it. Says we have to make a decision between January 15th and February 1st. I don’t know the significance of those dates.
It has been 10 years and it never changes. We have been in the same cycle since we started. At one time or another we have both wanted it to work, we’ve also both looked for a way out, and we have both felt trapped. Getting over him, chasing him, heartbreak from him, hoping for him, wanting him, hating him…too much him, not enough of me. Too much everyone else, not enough me. He moved to NC, I followed him and I shouldn’t have, he didn’t even really want me there. We never had any money and that stresses him out, he only cared about the computer game and only wanted me when I slept with other people. My birth control lapsed one month and when I told him he wanted to leave me. I was literally on my knees begging, sobbing in front of him. He showed no emotion, I don’t remember why he decided to stay. I met Danny, he got jealous, finally cared. I didn’t want him anymore. He wanted me more than he had ever wanted me. I told him to move out, got an apartment in Charlotte. He visited on weekends, but it wasn’t the same. He moved to Kentucky, it was a little sad, but ultimately I felt ok about it. He met Michelle pretty much immediately. I wanted him to be happy, but that hurt me. I got insanely jealous. He wanted to be broken up. He wanted to be with Michelle, but he called me all of the time, we talked a lot. He hurt me a lot. He said horrible hurtful things, and I let him. I drove to fucking Kentucky to talk to him and he would not see me. I drove 8 hours just to talk to him and he called Janet to come pick me up. I know it was crazy, I know I had no business doing that, no right. But he wouldn’t even talk to me. Sitting here I can’t even remember how we got back together after that. I think he came to visit for a court date, he and Michelle weren’t dating anymore and we hooked up. Maybe a few months later he met Ashlyn, dumped me. Didn’t tell me why and blocked me from his life completely. They got engaged after 5 months. Before he dumped me he was telling me to send him pictures of engagement rings that I liked. And I did. He and Ashlyn break up and he emails me. And I answer. And we start over. Not even 6 months later after we’re back together I’m looking for a job in Kentucky. I get the job and my ex takes me to court trying to stop me from moving with Madelyn. Patrick says, well this really sucks, if you can’t move to Kentucky then we have to break up. But it worked out, we moved. I moved on August 1st, started my new job on August 3rd. On Halloween, 2 short months later, we’re at our friend’s party and I walk inside to find him making out with someone while her husband is going down on her, just having a threesome right there in the living room. He said he thought I’d be into it. Worse, he said that he didn’t really feel bad about it because it didn’t mean anything. I know he was drunk and I know it was a mistake, but I had just moved my whole fucking life here. That’s where he lost me, that night he lost me. And I’ve been going through the motions ever since. I couldn’t dump him and move back to Charlotte. I had just used all my savings to get to Kentucky. Also, I had my pride. How could I possibly go back? I literally JUST left 2 months earlier. He bought me an engagement ring, we convinced everyone this was a good fucking idea and we were great. I convinced myself that this little tiny indiscretion didn’t mean anything and kept pressing on. The lease on our apartment was coming to an end and he wanted to buy a house. I wanted to save another year, but we bought one anyway. Emptied my 401k to pay for a remodel. Started talking about when we would get married, I wanted to wait, he wanted to be married. We got married. Now he wants a baby. He’s been pushing for a baby since we were married. I keep saying I’m not ready, so not ready that I can’t even try to tell him when that might happen, I might never be ready. He says he understands, but damn near weekly we’re talking about babies. We’re not sleeping together anymore because I hate it. I’m uncomfortable and not attracted to him. Sometimes when we’re having a good day I like being near him and hugging/snuggling, but I don’t like kisses more than a peck. I don’t like making out with him. He keeps pushing. Pushing about the baby and pushing about us not being physical anymore and I’m trying just to get through Christmas, but I don’t want to lie to him and so I tell him I want a separation 2 weeks ago. Now he says he can just not want a baby, it’s fine, that thought is gone now.
Clear as Crystal 