I just want to give us another try. It’s been 10 years and I am not ready to let go of you.
Why? Why do I feel this way all of the sudden? I’ve been searching for a way out since I moved to Kentucky. I have been unhappy and felt trapped for the past 3 years. Is this really just a jealousy thing? Am I just continuing the cycle? It’s the very last thing I wanted to do. He’s living this “better life” without me and I cannot stand it. He’s doing things I wish we would have done together. And that makes me crazy. He says he hasn’t been angry or agitated. Could that really all been my fault? Was I creating my own problem? It’s weird because in the past the jealousy was over a specific woman. I don’t even think about Whitney, like…not at all. But he tells me about making new friends and going to do real things with them like axe throwing and ice skating or even going to a sports bar to watch a game. Why weren’t we doing things like that together?
I’m trying to recognize and own up to all the bad that I contributed to the relationship. I am afraid to be happy. This came up one of the other times we broke up. And I can’t even believe it’s still true. I can’t just be content in my life, something always has to be wrong. Because if I’m just happy, what is there to talk about? How do I relate to people? I was ashamed of him, embarrassed even. Some of that was warranted, some of that I was just being a fucking bitch for no reason. If he gets drunk and embarrasses himself, that also embarrasses me and I get mad about it. If we’re all hanging out and I tell him to leave wherever I am because I’m afraid he MIGHT do or say something embarrassing…that’s me being a bitch. I’ve been downright nasty to him in front of our friends. And then defended my actions later like I was in the fucking right. I knew that I wasn’t. I stopped wearing my wedding ring altogether. That was only the last 6 months or so. At first I was just taking it off at places I thought there was a chance of me getting hit on at. Then I just left it off.
He has tried really hard. It bothered me a lot when Anne said he hadn’t changed at all, I’ve seen huge changes in him. He’s tried hard with our relationship too. The anger really is the big thing for me, it’s what I always come back to.
He says he’s scared it will just go back to the way it was. I am scared of that too, but I want the chance to see. I don’t know how to present that to him in a way that he will be on board with. I don’t know how to ease our way back into it.
Clear as Crystal 