Ok so I’m a fucking psycho. Or maybe I’m just having normal reactions to things. Who really knows…fuck I need therapy. So now that it’s been a few weeks and my life has gotten back to some sort of normalcy, I really don’t miss Patrick very much. I was hitting a really stressful place and I felt alone, I was feeling like he was the only one that I had that would understand, that could really be there for me, and I wanted him with me. Madelyn was hospitalized twice in a 2 ½ week time frame. Her fucking dad was blaming me for it, CPS was called on me because of the hospitalizations, I thought it was from her dad so I was super pissed, but it turns out it was from the social worker in the hospital in North Carolina that he got to talk to and I didn’t because I wasn’t in town yet. Which I feel okay about, because it was just someone doing their job, not a personal attack. The child was in the hospital twice with her T1D, of course they’d get CPS involved. Patrick was great throughout the entire thing, paid for my flight to NC and always checked in, was very supportive, and he was the first one I wanted to call when everything was going to shit. I don’t have very many of those. I have people that say that it would be ok if I did that, but I actually do it with him. I wouldn’t bother most people with my problems. They have their own problems.
So all of that in combination with him doing seemingly well lately made me think that we should give this thing another shot. When I talked to him about it when I got back in town from NC on 01/06/19, he said he wasn’t really leaning that way anymore. That he was leaning more the other way, the way with no more “us” in it. And that’s a hurtful thing to hear. So naturally I launch into my debate mode, making my side of things sound rational and like the right thing to do. It seems he’s coming around. A day or two goes by and he texts me asking how I’d like to proceed with this and I say something like, if not this exactly, “I think that it would be really great/awesome/sweet if we could date. We never got to date before and I think it would be nice”.
That sounds sweet as fuck doesn’t it? Married couple starting over with dating after 10 years of being in an on again off again relationship to get a fresh start? Someone could write a movie script off of that ball of bologna. Who would play me? I think it should be Scarlett Johansson, we’re practically twins. Patrick could be played by a bald Bradley Cooper.
Let me just tell you how it’s going. It’s not sweet at all, he’s not different or trying any harder. It’s been 10 fucking years, we’re on the brink of divorce, and all he cares about (or at least it seems this way) is when we’re going to fuck next and how soon we can sell the house so he doesn’t feel so broke all the time. Umm what? Was I not clear? I want effort, dammit. I deserve effort, I want to be number one. I gave all the effort in the past, made him feel wanted and special and loved. And what do I get for all of that? Him being pissed off at life and it being all my fault, all of the time.
We’ve been on 1 date so far. We were supposed to go ice skating, but a blizzard happened so he came to the house and we had a game night. It was a really good time. We stayed sober and played card games with Madelyn for a few hours. Then he left before the blizzard got too bad. It felt awkward him being there. Him being there made me really want a drink just to relax. He thought it went well, so I let the feeling go, telling myself it was just my normal social anxiety I have with practically anyone. We were supposed to go on a second date to the shooting range this past Sunday, but I was SUPER hung over from going out for a friend’s birthday on Saturday so I cancelled.
When we had that conversation about dating again I told him that I needed the sex stuff to be put on hold, that we had a lot to work on, I needed to like him again, and we have so much to repair in the relationship. I said, I just need more happy feeling really close to you days. Also, his fetish thing, me sleeping with other people, we can’t do that for a while. We need to be in a good place. He says he gets it, totally on board. What do I get all the time? Texts about fucking, constantly. That’s all he talks to me about where he says more than the standard small talk you have with people you don’t even care about. He LITERALLY talks about the weather. He blames his insatiable sexual appetite on his new psych meds. I’m not buying it, I got all the same texts before the meds, and I see no difference. In his defense though, after date #1 I did elude to the idea that there would be sex after date 3, because that’s what traditionally happens when you’re dating someone for the first time…dumb dumb dumb. In MY defense, I thought I would like him more by now. And I don’t. He’s the same.
I thought the separation and not knowing who he’s with all the time and knowing he’s doing things I would have wanted to do, would’ve made my jealousy turn into wanting him again, but it hasn’t. I have still been making efforts just in case. So when I cancelled Sunday I invited him to come over after work last night. I could get up at 5am and we could have 2 or so hours together before I had to leave. He said yes at first and then cancelled because it might be icy in the morning…it wasn’t. Also, it just made me feel like it was another instance of a time where I would put in the effort and he wouldn’t. I don’t HAVE to get up at 5am, I would be doing that just to see him. And guess what? No matter where he had to travel to after work, the weather was going to be an issue. Why it mattered if he came to my house I don’t know. But then I kind of do, it’s because he doesn’t want to be there and he doesn’t really care about seeing me. Because if he wanted to, he would.
I asked him last night after he cancels coming over why he’s doing this if he doesn’t really want to. He immediately gets defensive and angry and turns it around on me. This was the convo:
Patrick: I think it’s supposed to get NASTY out tonight so I might pass on coming over I’ll see when I get off.
Me: Mmk. It’s just rain ya pansy. No matter what you have to drive to work from somewhere tomorrow lol
Patrick: And temperatures I thought
Me: Eye roll emoji
Patrick: Weeknights suck I only get to see ya like 5 seconds
Me: I was gonna wake up and stuff. Shrug, it was just a thought. If you don’t want to then we’ll wait for the weekend.
Patrick: Yeah I think I’ll wait. What do you wanna plan this weekend? I have Super Bowl plans Sunday.
Me: I don’t like you. IDK. Guess you can pick (yes, I know I’m a little pissy at this point, thanks)
Patrick: You don’t like me? WTH?
Me: ?
Patrick:???
Me: You don’t want to be doing this. So why are you doing it?
Patrick: So it’s perfectly alright for you to back out of plans, but when I do it, I don’t want to be doing this?
Me: I think the circumstances are pretty different. It just seems like there’s not a lot of interest there.
Patrick: Interest in going over there and HOPING you wake up so we can hang out for an hour? I was hungover as fuck and still tried for our date
Me: Ok I guess I’m misreading the situation, sorry
Patrick: No worries just a little frustrated. You sure you want to be doing this?
Me: What makes you ask that? (Me completely not wanting to answer) I’m just picking up on vibes that I’m getting from you. If I’m wrong then ok. (Me trying to hand feed him the answer that maybe he’ll realize he really doesn’t want this and we should stop)
Patrick: You asked me I figured I should ask you
Patrick:????
Me: Thought I answered (I know I didn’t even come close to answering)
Patrick: If you are wrong then okay fine with doin this? I dunno just not getting a good vibe either
Me: I didn’t mean to put you in a bad mood. It doesn’t seem like you’re interested. And if I’m wrong about that feeling, then I’m sorry.
Patrick: Only thing that really holds me back is really not wanting to feel like I have before and it seems to happen when we live together. I don’t want you to be miserable again either.
Me: Well I’m not sure what to tell you about that. You either want to take that risk or you don’t.
Patrick: True also the chef guy really fucked me up. Idk just a lot of thoughts recently. I know not supposed to talk about this stuff in text just trying to show ya where my head is
Me: Well we can do some more talking this weekend.
It kind of seems at this point neither one of us want to be doing this. The thought of him not being around anymore is scary. I think that’s what keeps pulling me back. Every time I think I’m ready to let go, cutting that final thread seems impossible. But he’s always been good at cutting that thread, so maybe I’m trying to push him to do it.
Clear as Crystal 