Since childhood I’ve been waiting for someone to save me. I used to look at the planes flying overhead and hope that it was my dad coming back from the Navy to get me and my siblings. When I got a little older I actually used to wish someone would kidnap me, like so many people kidnap you into a better life? That’s what I imagined. Someone would see me and somehow sense my struggle and sweep me away into a struggle free existence.
Even now, with everything that is going on with Patrick, it’s clearly ending and I am still waiting for him to save me. To do what I consider the right thing. I’m waiting for the payoff for all of the heartbreak and pain that I’ve been through. The problem is, I’m waiting for someone else to make me feel good and special and loved the way I feel like I should be, when I should be doing that. I’m expecting things out of Patrick that he just isn’t capable of. And that’s not his fault, it’s just not who he is. And I think we’re both doing it. We like the other one so much, we love the other one so much, that we really want them to check all the boxes and be exactly the person the other needs. It’s then frustrating when that person doesn’t just instinctively know what’s expected of them. I really needed Patrick to dote on and pamper me and think of me first. I wanted gifts and cards and to feel special, like I wasn’t like everyone else. Even if he thinks that and knows it to be true, I never felt that coming from him, I never really felt special to him. That’s really what I want out of most of my relationships, friendships or even being a mother, I want to feel like I’m not just like anyone else. I want to know that I am set apart somehow. That I’m not blending in. With Patrick, I feel like I stayed with him through everything, wanted him back after the break ups, even after Ashlyn, moved me and Madelyn to Michigan, and I wanted some sort of recognition for that. I wanted to be shown in the way he spoke and acted around me that these things really mattered to him. But again, I have to flip the scenario, what if he did the same things for me. How would I react? Is it even possible for me to know? He doesn’t have a kid he would have had to move and if I couldn’t move to Michigan he was just going to break up and move on, that was his decision. And I think now that was the smart one, I think even then I knew.
I think with my feelings and he thinks with his head. I’m trying to get better at thinking with my head, maybe that’s just coming to me as I’ve gotten older. Maybe I do have Patrick to thank for that. I now see what thinking with my feelings gets me into, when I love someone, when I want them to love me the same amount, I do things that aren’t good for me to be in the good graces of the other person. To get that pat on the head that I’m good, so they’ll like me and want to be around me and think about all the things that I’ve done for them whenever they think of me. And that’s not right. I shouldn’t do something for someone else that will put me in a bad position. And I shouldn’t want someone to like me that way, they should just like me for existing, I shouldn’t have to prove myself. That being sad, I of course didn’t know that things would go so poorly when I made the decision to move to Michigan. I truly believed that everything would be great. What I did know, and what I did have control over was the knowledge of everything in our past, that it still hurt me, and that I was taking a risk. If I was thinking with my head I wouldn’t have made the same decision. The comment that should have stopped me, when I had my biggest doubts, when I should have listened to my gut, is when he said if I couldn’t move then we’d have to break up. In that moment, I was willing to do something for him that he wasn’t willing to do for me.
So now that the end seems to be knocking at our door, I can’t just sit back and wait for him to do what I think he should just instinctively know to do. What I want and what I think is fair, is that when we sell the house, I get 10k of his half of the equity. I emptied my 401k for the renovations to that house, which was 10k, it was my money alone. Everything else that went into that house, paying for the mortgage and all the other bills we have split, but I want the 10k back and at this point it’s the only way I have a chance of survival. I would have to use it to pay off all my debt. I don’t really know how he’ll feel about it. I’m hoping he agrees that it’s fair, but talks we’ve had before about it, I’m not sure that he will. He’s said to me before when I kind of brought it up, that’s how investment works. But we didn’t invest the same amount and I just want my 10k back. And the only reason I would even ask is so that we have a chance of surviving. Otherwise, I’m afraid that when I start school I’ll just end up using more student loans than I need for living expenses. He’s coming over to talk on Saturday and I’m actually more nervous about asking for that than I am about definitely ending our relationship.
Clear as Crystal 