It’s been almost 3 week of no gym, no food tracking, and no weigh ins. But A LOT of bad eating. Last week was my trip to Nashville with Alisha, it was fun, but we ate out for every meal. The week before I don’t really remember what was going on, but that’s when it started. The house should be going up for sale next week probably and I am beyond stressed out. There are no houses for sale right now that I can afford that are in the right school zone. I’m afraid that as soon as one does pop up I’ll hop on it even if I don’t love it. Patrick is fucking ecstatic, because only good things come from this for him. He just gets the money, he’s still couch surfing so I guess that doesn’t bother him and he’ll just continue to do that. He’ll have enough money to pay off all of his debt, he’ll be great. I will have enough to get another house. Maybe hopefully pay off some debt, but not all. And I still need to find money some way. I’ve used my credit card way more than I needed to. Its back up to $1,500 which makes me hate myself. Madelyn started therapy and now I’m thinking I really need to start. When would I find the time though? I could probably make it work I’m just avoiding it because I’m scared.
I think that I just start to feel overwhelmed and I just want to stop everything. I could eat right now and I don’t even think that I’m hungry. I actually feel fatter, I hate this. Also, I think my face is aging, it feels droopy. Being fat definitely does not help that. All my face skin is starting to wilt.
In other news, now that Patrick and I have been apart for almost 6 months…it’s scary to even type the words, but it feels over. It feels over in a way that is unfamiliar to me. Not missed. Our years together mean less and less as the days go by. Yes, I love him and want good things for him. No, I do not want to be with him. As far as things that he could be doing, women he could be with…normally my head would be going crazy with all of the possibilities, but even when I try to entertain the thought now, it’s not that it wouldn’t hurt if I ever found out he met someone. My mind just doesn’t go there. It’s not a worry. For all I know he’s been with several women over the last 6 months. It’s hard to explain. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that I don’t care to know I guess is more accurate. If I knew, it would upset me probably, but I just don’t care to know. He’s all but all the way gone and I’m still scared to all the way lose him, to say that it’s over.
Tomorrow I’m going to start tracking again I’ve decided just now. My goal for the rest of the day today is to not give into cravings. I’m going to have the dinner that we planned and my can of wine and that is it. I already messed up this morning with the pop tarts and the chocolate mini donuts. That was a weird trigger. I was all set to have my 2 boiled eggs, turkey bacon, and cup of coffee, but then I didn’t have my turkey bacon and for whatever reason that sent me into a frenzy where I not only had to replace it, but go completely fucking overboard. I felt guilty before I even ate it. And still continued. I read about binge eating today and this article described it as being on autopilot and it is so damn true. It’s already done in my mind, my body is just carrying out the inevitable. I wonder if it’s like that for murderers.
What I’m really tired of is this damn cycle. I just want to get to the end where I’m a happy healthy fit person without all of this fucking up in between. Not to say that I only want to eat kale and boiled chicken breasts for the rest of my life, I know there will be bad eating days and even weeks, but I don’t want to beat myself up about the bad times, I don’t want to binge, and I want to get back on track sooner rather than later. I was supposed to be back on track Saturday when we got back from Nashville and I’ve binged nearly every day since then. Probably most definitely every day since then. Weight Watchers is actually really great if I would just track no matter what. They don’t limit what I can eat and they don’t demand perfection, I know I can do it and I’m fucking it up anyway.
I’m so stressed about the house. Selling this one and me and Madison finding a new one. Very stressed about starting school, that’s supposed to happen in almost exactly a month. Scared about going into more debt for school and never finishing and never being ok financially. Not being smart enough or strong enough to do it.
I haven’t hardly moved today though. Nooooooo walking. This only happens to me once every 3 to 6 months or so though so I feel ok about this. Normally I walk no matter what. Just mentioning so maybe I really don’t give into my cravings. Reminding myself that I’ve been extra lazy today so let’s not completely ruin the day. If I haven’t already with that all-star breakfast.
I am getting kind of hungry though. I wonder how many points this sugar filled granola bar I have is. Ugh I should just stay hungry. I have 2 hours and then I’ll be home. I can make 2 hours.
I made it about 20 minutes before that fucking granola bar was gone.
Clear as Crystal 