Tom says that me coming to visit is like a holiday and he’s excited. I’m like a holiday. I quit talking to Tom back in December, when I went to Florida for Christmas. Patrick and I were still freshly separated. Tom was being a friend, but there’s also this high level of attraction that I guess I just wasn’t in the mood for. When we first met, he was married and we were both pretty young, it was before I met Patrick so I must have been 22 or so, which would have made Tom 26, married, with 3 kids. I met him while I was working at CVS, he came in to pick up a prescription for his daughter and then made a trip to my counter to “buy chapstick”, and then finally rolled by the drive thru one night and asked for my number. We hit it off pretty much immediately, it has always been easy to talk to Tom. I could be an asshole and he always knew I was joking, never took me too seriously, and was an asshole back…in a way that made me smile. We messed around for several months, maybe a year or so, and then I finally was just done. Married with 3 kids, that’s fucking messy, even for my dumb ass at 22, so I just stopped talking to him. And then I met fucking Patrick and the rest is history. About 3 or so years ago I decided to look him up while I was in town, we started talking again, he’s now divorced and has his kids full time.
So here’s the thing…Tom is actually pretty great. And it bothers me. I didn’t realize he was pretty great until right now. And maybe it’s just because I’m comparing him to Patrick so it’s not that hard to be great to me right now. But I dropped him in December. The attraction scared me, I was being mentioned to his mom and at least one of his kids, he always said stuff about me moving back, he wanted to talk all the time, hinted at “what could have been” I got spooked as fuck. We were supposed to hang out while I was in town and then suddenly, with no warning at all, I just send him this text that basically said, “Hey, I can’t see you and we’re not going to talk anymore. You didn’t do anything wrong, I’m just done. Please take care of yourself and the girls, peace.” And in my head I was doing him a favor. I was afraid he was holding on to some thought that I would eventually come back to Florida and we’d be together and the chances of that happening are like less than 1%. I thought that by us continuing to talk, he’d never find someone. Because obviously I’m so fucking great once a person starts talking to me they put their blinders on and don’t see anyone else. So much eye roll at myself right now. Well I blocked his number, Facebook, Instagram…everything. About a month ago I’m looking at my voicemails, which I never fucking do, but Madelyn had butt dialed me and left me a message. I was scrolling through, looking at all the ones that I have saved and down at the very bottom of the screen is this little folder for “Blocked Messages”. Um, what the actual fuck? People I block can leave me voicemails? Shit. This guy left me like 5 messages and every single one of them started like this, “First off, I just want to make sure you’re ok, please let me know that you’re ok…” and then he kind of rambles into not understanding what’s going on and could I just talk to him and let him know what’s up. I felt like such a shit, I could really hear the worry in his voice, he kept reiterating that I was throwing away 10 years of friendship. And I guess that never occurred to me, that we were friends. I was scared he was chasing some impossible crush and that he didn’t actually know me enough to like me more than having sex with me, but it turns out he does. He’s continuously taken an interest in my life and I didn’t even notice. Not just hooking up or my body, but my actual life and what happens to me. And it seems like such a simple thing. A simple wonderful thing that doesn’t happen to me, when it comes to the opposite sex, so it made me uncomfortable and I bolted.
When Patrick and I were together Tom always said nice things, like that we made a cute couple or that he was happy for me. He constantly told me how lucky Patrick was to have me. When I’d vent and tell him about mine and Patrick’s problems he would listen and give feedback, but never advised me about leaving or staying, just always said that I had to do what would make me happy. Now that we’re talking again he doesn’t even mention me blocking him like that. I tried to apologize and he just said, “Don’t even worry about it, we’re just going to pretend like that never happened” and so far it’s true. He doesn’t want to hash it out or get pissed at me or talk endlessly about all the reasons why I did that to him, he’s just happy we’re friends again. I’ve flaked on visiting him the past 2 years and he still can’t wait to see me on Saturday and trusts that I’ll be there. I don’t know about his youngest 2, but his oldest kid thinks that he is the best thing since sliced bread, she’s constantly posting pictures with him and tagging him in everything, saying how much she loves him. And she’s 17, I think that really says something. His daughters have always been his priority and it shows. We were talking on the phone the other night and I said something about how I would never want Patrick to think I was being nice or friendly to him just to get him to do things for me, that I’m constantly afraid people will think I’m taking advantage of them, including this man that I was married to and in a relationship with for 10+ years. He listened and then he complimented me, said I had this great heart and at the same time that I’m so strong. And I don’t know how right or wrong he is, but it made me feel really good. Just to be seen like that and he didn’t even have to think about it, he just said it right then. And he tells me I’m a great mom all the time and listens to me go on and on about how awesome Madelyn is. Tells me I’m great pretty much every time we talk. If we’re debating something, last night it was gun control, he tells me when I’m making a good point. He doesn’t get so lost in his side of the debate that he can’t see the good views from the other side, I think that’s really admirable, I struggle with that. He told me last night that I was the one that got away.
I don’t have a lot of faith that anything will happen there. We’ve never tried anything even resembling a relationship and I do not want one any time soon. He lives 11 hours away and I’m not moving, he’s not moving. In 4 years all of our kids will be 18 and over, that’d be the very earliest anything could even maybe happen and the distance thing is still an issue. We don’t even know that we work, we just like each other as people. Oh and the sex is good, just worth mentioning. All this to say if I do happen to fall into a relationship, the new person has to at least be at this level. If they don’t have all the Tom qualities, then I shouldn’t accept it.
Clear as Crystal 